I've got a lot of work to do this week. Today should be spent writing an essay or two, and writing that fucking speech for graduation. I don't really want to anymore. I don't think I really have anything inspirational or exciting or funny to say. I'm sure I could, but how the fuck does one say it? I talk so damn much, but when I need to speak I'm fucked and tongue tied. Kind of like when I talk to most boys.

I've been smiling a lot lately. I don't know why. I'm not happy. I'm not unhappy. Mediocrity. I am kind of hoping I am realizing that nothing really matters all that much. It's just that when I'm in the middle of it, I feel like it's the end of the fucking world. I just contradicted myself. But that's okay. Life is one big set of contradictions, at least for me. I'm responsible for my actions, and the reaction garnered by said actions. I try to do it. Most of my friends don't realize how their words affect others. I've been trying to be incredibly conscious of what I say, but it hasn't worked too well. I haven't pissed anyone off that I know of, but I have let what I want to stay hidden show to people whom I don't want to reveal it to. This happened with Max, and so far nothing bad has happened. It probably was good actually. But I still would rather have talked in person about it. But I can feel it happening with others. And I doubt it will go well. With guys I like, I never say what I want, and it doesn't really matter. WIth friends, when I fuck up, I know it. It won't work out well. I wish I had anything specific to explain what I mean, but I don't. It's just a generalized feeling.

To lay out my life right now in a very explicit way:

I'm obsessed with a boy that's obsessed with another boy whom I was obsessed with for a long time but am way, way over. Is that convoluted or what?