Thought about Chris yesterday. I thought about how I really think I don't care that much about not being friends. I realized I was in love with him too. I think I know that. I know it because, despite everything I fucking hated about him, despite all the fucked up shit he said, all the fucked up image obsessed things he did, the boys (me included) that he got with just to be politically correct or whatever by not being straight (which I honestly think he is), despite it all, I still wanted to be close. I still wanted him to care about me. I tried for so long to make him, to work on it, to do what I could and put up with everything I didn't like. That's why I think I was in love with him. I don't really know though. I hate him more than anyone. I harbor some serious animosity. But it's not seething hate. I don't want to hurt him, but I wouldn't mind if he got hurt. I think someone that he idolizes and likes and wants so much needs to treat him like he treated me and others I know. I think he deserves it, but that's not why. I think he'd grow from it. Despite his obsession with staying young and immature as a ten year old, he needs to learn to grow up and treat friends like they are friends. Friends aren't just to bolster your ego, really they're not.I'm leaving for New York tomorrow. I will be there a week. I'm really hoping Scott will use his free airline privelages to meet me on Thursday and stay till I leave. That would make me very happy. We had a funny, but frustrating sexual experience this morning. Caitlin called at a very inopportune time this morning. I had to leave almost immediately to pick her up, and it wasn't fair. Scott had his fun, and I ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST did, but not quite.... THAT SUCKS. Sorry to be gross.
Diary, I'll write when I get back.
Chris, to me, this song's about you, well, it's about my feelings about you:
'Why's it come as a surprise to think that I was so naive? Maybe didn't mean that much, but it meant everything to me. That's what I get. That's what I get.' ----'That's What I Get' by Nine Inch Nails