I'm having second thoughts. No, I'm having third thoughts, but I am just reinforcing my feelings of the last few days. I'm kind of starting to hate myself. I like Max. It's weird. I wholeheartedly admit that. Chris sure questions my sincerity. He said that to Max, and when pressed, he said so to me. I was upset. I know it's odd, and maybe even sort of twisted that I think so highly of this kid. I question myself every minute of every day the last few weeks. I've seperated my thoughts about the two people; I think of the two people seperately from each other, and my feelings have stayed the same. That leads me to believe that I am sincere, and it's just coincidental. But what a twisted coincidence it is. This is why I am feeling so shaky. How the hell am I supposed to know my sincerity. That sounds bad. As far as I know I am, but I still worry about it. Because if I am just deluding myself, I am going to end up hurting a guy that I really, honestly like. That's circular, and I know it. I am feeling guilty. I'm either going to fuck over Max, Chris, or myself, no matter what I do. I just want to be true to myself, maybe not do what's best for me, but I will do what's true. That's just why I want to make sure I really am true. I've been through this before. With Michael, I just wasn't sure until it was too late. By the time I realized I actually really cared for him, with no doubts, he had a girlfriend and moved out of town. But I did like him. I think doubts come with everyone I've ever liked. I think I'm honest. I just don't want to hurt him. I don't really mind getting hurt, as long as I do my best and take some honest action.It's probably moot. I doubt it really matters considering that I don't think Max thinks of me that way. That doesn't really bother me. I won't be too disappointed even if that is the case. In any event, I think I've at least hopefully made a friend. It would make everybody feel better (except me) if he really doesn't. At least I'm remaining calm. I think that serious thought and self-analysis is called for considering the convolution involved. I'm spending way too much energy thinking and worrying, but I can't help it.
I want to hate myself.
'I am an easy mark. With my broken heart. Sweet sixteen. Show you my explosion. Sweet sixteen.' ----'Sixteen' by Iggy Pop (and this song really is just a coincidence. I'm listening to it, and it just rang true.)