Well, not much to say today. I went with Laura and Caitlin to look for shoes, and ended up buying some red velcro lo-tops. They're cute, but I bought them because of convenience. I really am lazy, and velcro just helps in that I-wanna-get-out-the-door NOW feeling first thing in the morning. I hate tying my shoes. Anyway, I'm starting to worry a little bit about school. Now that the art show is hung, and I don't have to worry about that, I'm back to thinking about graduation and the speech I have to write. I also need to write a few essays to pass the one class I'm in. I promised the teacher I'd turn them in by Tuesday (I actually said Monday, then discovered that it's a holiday). I feel like a slacker, but I'm not. I've just been busy with the show, and with thinking too much about things I can't change. I really am hating myself sometimes. I got drunk on Thursday night at this gay bar by my school. It's wierd drinking so close to high school. I keep worrying that some teacher will be working late and run into me walking out of the bar. That would be pretty typical of my luck. I also ended up driving home, which, in retrospect, wasn't a good idea. I felt sober enough to drive, but I doubt I was. I made it safe and all, but it's still completely stupid to drive drunk. I'm not going to drink for a little while. I've been feeling like I do it too much lately, and I have too many things going on in my life to waste any more time off my rocker. I need to get to work on things. Summer's coming up and I want to go to Portland. I doubt anyone is going to go with me, but that doesn't really bother me. I want to just take a sleeping bag and sleep in the car, and just go for three or four days. It would be fun. I'd smell like shit by the end, but it's not like I'd be around anyone. That's mostly why I want to go. I'm sort of feeling like I don't really want to see anyone. All my friends are busy or don't like me enough to make the kind of commitments that I need. Except Laura, but she's leaving the country for a few weeks. And Caitlin, but I even wouldn't mind leaving her for a few days alone. I haven't asked my parents or anything, but I think they'd let me. Maybe I'll lie and say I have a friend to stay with when I get there. I don't like lying to them though. Or maybe someone will go with me. Chris said he would want to, but I doubt he actually will. That's just how he is. I don't know. I say that a lot. I never do know. I wish I was smarter, or more observant, or something. I just feel kind of lost and trapped most of the time. College is going to be better next year. More freedom. More scary times. No stupid high school bullshit. I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over. I'm not sad, by the way. This may sound a bit depressive, but it's not. I'm doing really well. I'm happy, and I've got all I need. I'm seeing Max tonight, and I'm damn excited about that. I'm scared too. I feel myself wanting to spend too much time getting myself ready, and checking myself out in the mirror too much. Someone mentioned this first, but I'm going to steal their resolution. I am going to not look in mirrors every time I want to. I'm self-conscious, and mirrors don't help. I don't need or want to see myself. I wonder if this is some deep psychological thing. I don't give a fuck. I'm happy, and I'm looking good lately, and I don't give a fuck if things go wrong in my life. They're not going to go so bad that I'm unhappy. They can't. It's looking too good to get that messed up. I'm not talking about boys or Max or anyone else. I'm talking about me. I hate myself sometimes, but I'm happy. And I feel good. And nothing's going to fuck that up.
'Want to hate everyone. Everyone. Seems so sad to think that tomorrow's gone. Tomorrow's gone. You'll say it wasn't. Want to hate everyone. Everyone. Seems so sad to want to hate everyone. Everyone.' ----'Responsibility' by Screw 32 (Andrew, not that you read this, but this is your song and I miss you. I want you to call. I really do.)