I'm feeling like blowing my head out. I have a Czech final tomorrow, and I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm likely going to fail it. Which will suck. She grades really easy, but still. I'm a brick when comes to absorbing material. My head feels like a brick right now.

In good news, the dykes staying in our apartment seem nice enough. They gave me 140 in cash up front, the rest at the end. They're just travelling around the US for a while, from Australia. I had a friend in Sydney for a while. I think she moved back to Santa Cruz. That's sad.

Talking to 'friends' online is driving me nuts. I feel like such a sucker. I mean, I dole out all kinds of shit I never would in person: advice, information, love even. I don't really get hurt anymore. Not anymore, I don't. I'm not sure I can be hurt anymore. People have already done it to me, establishing one more wall in the city that is my defense against emotional attack. They've all done it before. And I'm no fucking martyr.

But I could be.

I could be Joan of Arc.

I don't want to be.

A 'friend' reminded me today of a few things. What I liked about ODing. I've done it twice. It's been wonderful both times. It's, as Tim O'Brien puts it, 'the corresponding proximity to life' that comes with being close to death. I love that. I love killing myself; I just don't want to die. I want to be able to do it again. I don't mean that I want to die, or that I'm going to, or that I'm going to go get junked up again. I just liked that. It's good to know what I like and what I don't. I like being dead. I'm a ghost at school. No one sees me. They might see my hair, my clothes, my face after not shaving for two weeks, but they don't see me. I don't mind. I'm going home next week. Where it won't be freezing. At least, I'm going to Berkeley. I don't know if I'm going home. Weird paradox.

Fuck everyone. I'm going to go study some more Czech and dream about overdosing and about boys and about people I know that are dead and about the two people I don't know sleeping in the room next to mine and about studying 'v Praze' as they say in Prague. Maybe some of my dreams will come to be. I doubt it though.