so life sort of drags on. i can't make myself kill myself. that's the worst thing about life, is the inability to actually stop it. I am a pussy. a fucking cunt white boy drug addict pasty skinned paranoid love addled love-addicted love-saddened love-sickened love-struck lust-saddled pathetic cooze of a boy/man stuck in the middle and i can't declare a truce with myself. and i can't kill myself while my folks are out of town. i can't kill myself while they are still alive. this is the first time i've thought of killing them so i would be free to kill myself. but that's bullshit, i would never do it to them. they don't deserve it even if i do. i'll wait till they die however they are going to go and then do myself in with pills or razors or guns or knives or gas or asphyxia or poison or pain pain pain. i want it now. i wish they were dead so i would feel free to do it. Toby would be happy. he'd get all they're money, instead of half. he'd get over me quick, he might even be happy i did it. his ego is so big he would think he's god if me and P+M were gone. but he'd be wrong. Johnny Cash is God. And Einstein is god and astrophysics is god and i need god or heroin or death or pain or something that i don't have right now. I want it now. i hope i die soon. you don't think i mean it. oyu think this is some foolish childish attention seeking act, but no one reads this, so whose attention am I seeking? my desire is unattainable. i want to die, but i can't kill myself because i'm too scared, too afraid to hurt my folks any more. so i wait for them to die, and then i'll do it. as soon as they go. then will I be free?