I'm going on a trip. All over the country. Road trip. Alone. I'm scared. But looking forward to all that time alone. I'm taking 4-6 weeks. I hope it goes okay and I don't get killed. I'm really down, and I hope it helps. I'm leaving Friday. I need to get away. I saw D last week, and he said the nicest thing anyone's said to me in the longest time. I can't put it up here. I want to keep it for myself. But it meant the world to me. He's having a party on Friday, and he invited me, and then told me that a) I probably wouldn't have fun b) he didn't really want me to come c) there will be guys he wants to pick up there d) one of the guys he likes thinks I'm creepy (I assume this means that he doesn't want me to go, because this guy will be uncomfortable around me). He gave a number of mixed messages but I'm used to it. I don't expect anything anymore, and that way, I'm happy with what I do get. He has the possibility to make me feel so good, and he did. But he also has the ability to give me serious pain, which I don't think is his fault, but I still get hurt sometimes. I won't say no though. I don't want to. I doubt I ever will. But ever is a very long time, maybe I'll fall in love with someone else. I don't think so though. I've had 3 chances at love. And I can't get over the last one. I think three is all you get. Four is too much to ask for. I am very melancholy at the moment. This moment has been lasting weeks if not months, and probably years. I can't get out of it. I don't know if it's a possibility. I fantasize about death, but I won't kill myself. Maybe that's why I put myself in dangerous situations so often. I've been doing it for years. Maybe I've been hoping one of the situations will do me in. Maybe. Maybe maybe maube maude.'it's not unusual, it happens every day.' (do doo do dooo) ----I don't know the name it's that annoying song by Tom Jones 'What's New Pussycat'