These patches itch. I am currently wearing two 100 microgram fentanyl duragesic patches. This is the first pain management drug that has adequately treated my nerve pain in my foot and leg. And I'm not fucked up, contrary to my fucking dumb-ass anaesthesiologist cousin's opinion. She isn't even in the same state as me and she feels qualified to comment on my pain control and drug treatment options. But she's a cunt, so what can I do? She's just ill-informed. But she influences my father's opinion, and he already has his own agenda he's trying to impose on my health care. My doc understands this. Thank God. She knows that my healthcare is between me and her, primarily, and my father can contribute his opinions, but the decisions are up to me and her. Needless to say, we haven't told him this.

My brother is a cunt. He told me today (or maybe it was yesterday) that Dexter has a body odor problem. Because D got in his car this morning smelling like shit because he hadn't showered yet and we hadn't slept well so we were both sweaty and gross. And Toby says this shit tactless as always. He's a cunt too. He's so stupid. He is in a band that has gone nowhere, but his ego is still on the moon. And he feels obligated to point out all my shortcomings, and those of all my friends, lovers, and even enemies. He makes me feel like shit every single time we interact. Every single time. No joke. Every single time.

I need to have sex soon. I haven't in a few days. I want to. I love him. I really do. I really fucking do and everyone thinks I'm sick for it, but I'm not. This is the best thing to happen to me in ages. I feel amazing about myself. I feel amazing about him, and about me and about my life and my leg when he's around. He makes me feel like I'm worth something. And most of the time I feel like I'm worth fuck all.

Life love life love life love life love life love death.

I got nice prints from Nick today. He gave me some pretty incredible ones. I love him. I was in love with him for a long time, and I still love him. He is an amazing person, artist, friend.

'Try to bluff my way out of here. I've bled for less, for sure, then best. I've been impressed today. Undressed.' ----'Chaos Engine' by Pinback