You know.

I'm not feeling as bad as yesterday. I didn't take any drugs either. I'm a little surprised by that. Especially considering it's the day before a holiday, so all those junkies on meth have an extra bottle to sell, because the meth clinics are closed tomorrow. But methadone is evil. I didn't even think about it today. And I'm home, and I sure as fuck am not going out into the cold again. I didn't smoke today either. I've been smoking fags a bit much lately, and I need to just not do it at all. It's fucking all or nothing. And I need to make it nothing. So I am.

Action.

Reaction can go fuck itself.

I got McSweeny's 1-3 in the mail today, and it makes me happy.

Even though Caitlin bitched me out for always asking her about McSweeny's shit. But THAT'S ALL SHE FUCKING DOES. So it comes as an easy conversation topic for me regarding her. But I guess I've gone a bit overboard in my McSweeny's fascination with her, 'cause she threatened to stop speaking to me if I mentioned anything regarding McSweeny's. I guess the pressure is getting to me, and her. Neither of us has enough friends to be pissing away the ones we do have. That's for fucking sure.

I want to go home.

I'm going to Chicago tomorrow. It's a city I haven't been to before. I'm bringing my camera despite the freezing temperatures and threat of snow. I hope to shoot some archy while I'm there. D.E. wrote about a colored skyskraper in this magazine Scott used to have. I want to shoot it. I don't know what else is going on. I feel like a little boy. I didn't sleep last night. I'm used to taking 60mg temazepam and I wanted to cut back on it, so I tried 30 and a 10mg ambien and I didn't sleep for very long. Ambien is bullshit. Every time I've taken it it hasn't done shit. I tried to shoot it once. It was the only time I ever tried shooting pills. I'd had my arm cut open and I had a million Ambien, so I tried shooting a few, and it didn't do shit. But the drug doesn't do anything anyway, so I'm not surprised. And it clogged the rig. I don't want to take pharmaceuticals anymore. Pharmaceuticals are going to kill me, so I shouldn't rely on them. Reliance is evil. And I've come off of drugs, so I should be able to keep off the docs drugs too. But I need to sleep, so I take what I gotta.

Shit.

It ain't that bad, really, when I think about it. I just depress myself. I think my antidepressant pharmaceuticals started working again. Doc upped the dose last Friday. I don't feel so bad about taking those pharmaceuticals. They help me sleep, and make me happy. Happy pills. That isn't so bad, is it?

Caitlin really hurt me yesterday. I brought it upon myself. I fucked up again. I feel like I always fuck up. I feel like tomorrow is going to be just like today, and that is the worst feeling of all. Really it is. I want tomorrow to be different. So I'm going to Chicago. I hope that will be nice. I hope the man I'm going to visit isn't fucked up. I'm not too worried, but I mean, I've never met him, I've only internetted with him. So I don't want to fuck this up, and I don't want to get fucked up either. Either one. I'm really not worried. But should I be?

He reads this. I hope he isn't too upset by this. I hate addressing the fact that this is public and I can't write everything here. But I can't make myself make it private.

I need to go take a break and read a book. I'm reading Porno by Irvine Welsh and I'm reading McSweeny's #1 too. And I'm also sort of reading Tobias Wolff's This Boy's Life, but not really. I don't know. I got it off a street vendor on a whim. It just seemed like a book I should have read. And I haven't. The first two chapters are nice, but I wonder whether he is going to address any issues that come up for me. At least any physical shit. I mean, I wonder if it is too dated for me to really empathize with the character.

Boring boring boring.

I will shut up now.