I feel like I should be doing shit for Italy, but everything I can think of to do is not going to work. I can't secure a place to stay, because the hostels don't take reservations. I want to talk to P and M, but I can't bring myself to call them right now. I just don't want to have to lie to them and tell them I'm doing just fine. I'm anxious. I want to be older. I want to be younger more than that. I read books about 14 year olds. And I want to do it again. I wish I could do it again sometimes. It's not so much that I don't like who or where I am now, although that is sometimes true. It's more that I could do it all better. I could still be me. But change all the circumstances. Change all the decisions. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be born with the experience you have now? Scotty asked me that recently and I said I wouldn't want to. That gaining the experience was more important than the memory of that experience, if that makes any sense. I said I wouldn't want to make the same bad decisions again, knowing that they were bad decisions. Because some of them, I'd do again no matter how much I know it sucked. Nick, that was a mistake I would make again and again and again. I mean, fuck, we were 13. We went to school together. It was great. And it fucked me up. It really did. Some other people too. And I'd fall into the same traps, and it wouldn't matter how much I knew, I'd do it again. And I'd hate myself more than I do now. I really would. I know it. It's clear, not polarized clear, no shade to the sky. It's bright out, I can't bring myself to use a polarizer today. I don't need any dark skies or dark waters. It's no fun to swim in. I like it light out. But I hate it. I don't know what to do or where to go. I really don't have anyone to talk to. I'm feeling very Holden Caulfield today. More than today. Scott is working. P and M are in Italy. And I don't talk to them like this anyway. Caitlin is cool, but I've been having a hard time communicating with her lately. And even Laura seems sort of lost in her own tragedies and dramas of late. And I hate myself for saying all that. But it's true. And if I told them they'd just hug me say it's okay. But it's not. There is nothing constructive anyone would say. And more to the point, I don't even think there is anything constructive anyone COULD say. It's just one of those days. Well, more than just one day. This has been building for months, years. And I don't know how to deal with it. I put up with a lot of other peoples shit, and I'm not willing to dole out my share of it.

This isn't to say that there isn't anything positive about my life. That would be a lie. There are loads of things that I am super fucking excited about. Words like 'super fucking excited', I get excited about. Prague, I get excited about. New York I get excited about. And travelling across this huge fucking country I get excited about. My camera I get excited about. But so what. What today? What about ME do I get excited about? Not much. Is that normal?