I remember being in a similar position. For me, it was using, and then not telling anyone I didn't use with (about two people total). They would freak out, because they knew, and I would deny it. Lie, lie, lie. That's what speed and heroin do to you. They both eat up any conscience you ever had. Heroin does it more quickly, because I knew I was losing it, but chose that anyway. I was older when I got strung out, and that might have been part of it. Now that it's over (THANKS FOR LETTING IT END!!!!) my emotions have come back with a vengeance. And this isn't any of your fucking emo bullshit. It really is all or nothing. Either you live in a void, or it's a fucking endless galaxy of wildly girating emotions. For me, their isn't a middle ground. Alcohol does't do the same thing to me. When I drink, it's not a void. Life doesn't end, it might take a nap at times, but I don't forget myself. I'm all about responsibly doing the irresponsible. Not that that makes any sense or anything, but hey, so what? It's my truth. And hey, I haven't smoked a fucking cigarette in a week! That's an accomplishment. Hopefully I'll keep it up when I go visit Laura.

This girl has been writing me. She has relations (I love saying that) with a friend of mine, a quasi ex of mine. Or at least she used to, I don't quite know the current situation. She's really sweet. She reminded me that I need to get out and go to the playground more often. I haven't been in a few months, and I really need to. There's nothing like sliding down a giant cement slide with a bunch of kids half my age staring at me wondering what in the world I'm doing there. It's fun. I need to find some good swings too. Maybe see if I can get Nick or Chris to go to Cordoneces with me. That would rock. Lots of memories from that park. I don't want to get into them now, but I'm happy I have them.

At any rate, I'm glad yesterday is over and it's a new day. I'm excited. It is all or nothing, and that's just the way I love it. Sure, it is like being pulled to polarized extremes, but so what. Each end, anger, motivation, apathy, fear, they all have their benefits. And I've only been feeling anger and motivation lately. So fuck it, let's get moving!