I don't know whether I had a great day yesterday or a fucking awful one. It was Pride, the gay pride celebration in most major cities in the U.S., including San Francisco. I went to go hear Tribe 8 play. Maybe I only went because I knew he would be there. I'm not good enough at self-analyis to really know which. I got to the Castro early because I was supposed to meet up with Zach and go bar hopping for a while before the show and dyke march. But he didn't call me until much later. So being the brilliant, nervous, scared guy I am, I went bar hopping anyway. I went to a few, and had a bit more alcohol than I would have liked to have in my system once I met Max. I wasn't drunk; I just felt even more anxious. One drink soothes the nerves, three amplifies them. I shot some film at the show, and they will be good pictures. Max found me, and we hung out a bit. I think I made him more than a bit uncomfortable. I wanted to kiss him really badly, but I know I can't. I came to that truth yesterday. I wanted to. Then I thought about it. He doesn't want to, or at least he doesn't want to more than once if he even would do that. What he says is true: it does hurt more to get led on. I'm not saying he led me on. I mean that he didn't, and it would have hurt a lot more if he had. We'll have some good times anyway, even if I can't kiss him. So I wanna see him and just hang out. I'm over it. (Not really, but if you say it enough you start to believe it.) I met Zach later in the evening. We went to the party in the Castro and just kind of hung out. He brought his brother. That was odd. I thought we were going ot have a date. But I guess he thought otherwise. Maybe my paranoia about no one liking me really are true. I just got a different impression from him previously. That's the way it goes in my life. I wish. I hope. I think it'll happen. Then truth hits me. It's like that Police song: 'Truth hits everybody.' Whatever. I'm happy nonetheless. Zach is cute, but he's older than me, and he lives in Santa Cruz. I'm not interested in having a boyfriend for two months that I have to drive for an hour and a half to see. Whatever.
Boys suck. I really am hating myself lately. It's not a happy feeling.
'It's all coming down like the dark on the town. The cold stings my tearstained face. So now it's all over. It's much too late to say 'Oh no.' ...She looked at me as she closed the door. A stare so cold, but what for? I fell in love as she crossed the floor. I need her now but she hated me more. And now it's all over, it's much too late to say 'Oh no.' Oh, she looked so lovely, standing on her own.' ----'Intense Thing' by Ash