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All Or Nothing

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[2001-04-28]-[6:49 p.m.]

Saturday afternoon, and I had a great day. Last night sucked though. I went to school, after close to no sleep, went to my first class then cut the rest of the day. Smooth move. I came home, slept, went to work and hated my coworker some more. But after work, I went to Gilman St. Brent said he would try and meet me there, and I was hoping he would. I needed someone to follow up on me. I got there about 9:30, paid, saw Daniel and a few other kids. It was nice, I talked to them for a while, but I knew the only reason I was there was for Brent. I just spent the whole time looking over my shoulder for him. I didn't really pay attention to any of the bands. After about an hour and a half this guy walked in that looked like Brent, so I walked up to him. I got scared that it wasn't him (I could only see this guy from the back). I waited through one more band, then finally walked up and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and... It wasn't him. He never did show up, and I was sad. I was really hoping he would follow up on Thursday nights fun with me. But no. I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. He is from Arcata, about five or six hours away. He didn't have transportation, and it's not too easy to get to Gilman St. on public transit. But anyway, I was hoping. Who knows though, maybe he will go to Popscene in the next few weeks. I really want to see him again; he was adorable, and sweet, and attractive, and I just want him to like me. But that's the way it's been going lately. Hey, at least I've been trying and somewhat succeeding. No actual relationship yet, but so what, I tried. I'd rather try and fail (though I still consider Thursday better than a failure even though he didn't show on Friday) than be apathetic and bitch about failing without even attempting to do anything for myself. One good thing happened last night though, besides seeing Daniel and a few other kids: I got some new reading material. I got these two zines, and one of them is totally amazing. I can relate to this girl so badly. It's so funny too, because I know the girl who writes it and I fucking hate her. She went to high school with my brother and she had such a 'punker than thou' attitude. Real moron, but her writing is good if I ignore the name on it. It's just all about failed relationships and boys she'll never get and boys she had and wants back. And it's about the East Bay.

Today I saw Christopher. For the first time in a long time I didn't get uncomfortable, and I didn't even want him too badly. We tried to go bowling, but the place was crowded and we probably couldn't get a lane. We got some food, and decided to go sneak into a hotel swimming pool. No swimsuits, so we just had our boxers (which is a little wierd considering mine were white today). It was fun, reminds me of old times. I haven't snuck into a pool since the last summer when I was on tour with Third Eye Blind (that's another fucking story, but despite the band it was a good time). No that's not true, I snuck into a pool and sauna in Portland in September. But anyway, it had been a long time. It's always fun, especially when I'm with Chris. I guess I stared a little, but I wasn't really all that interested. He's cute, but I'm getting over it. He's a lot younger than me, and he's fucking taken. It was good for me. I got out of the house, and did something with a friend. Makes me feel a little less insecure about my life and friendships. I worry that my friends only hang out with me because they feel bad about saying no, but I didn't feel like that today. I felt like Chris actually wanted to spend some time with me, for once, doing something fun and childish and a little 'bad.' Good times. As much as I'm ready to ditch everything and move away, I'm really going to miss days like this with people that I know and love.

I'm ready to go to Santa Cruz tomorrow morning. I need it. I want to meet someone there, a boy, and I'm getting better at not being shy and just going for it. I'm going to do it. At least I think I'm going to do it....

This one's for you Brent:

'She said, 'I hardly know you.' Agreed we kissed goodnight. I knew that in the morning, somehow, I'd wake to find: sunlight on the lino, woke me with a shake. I looked around to find her but she's gone. Goodbye girl. Goodbye girl. If you ever see her, say 'hello, goodbye girl.'' ----'Goodbye Girl' by Squeeze

This one's for all the boys I've ever thought about, you know who you are:

'I'm always touching myself. I've got nothing else to do. And when I'm touching myself, I'm always thinking of you touching me touching you.' ----'Touching Me Touching You' by Squeeze (note: this added added at 7:45pm on Sunday, April 29th. I'm in Santa Cruz, and can't really use the internet for long, so I'm not really going to update today. Sorry, diary, I'll see you tomorrow. I have a fair amount to share, thinking about yesterday, and last night, and boys. I love you (you know who you are, these are the same people as the Squeeze song was for, though I haven't jerked off today. Oh well.)

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