Toby apologized this morning for what he said yesterday. I told him he doesn't think about the things he says before he says them.

I have fantasies of disasters. Flames. I dreamed about fire last night. No I didn't. I lied. I wanted to dream about fire though. About a picnic at the end of civilisation. Champagne. With Dexter. We have similar fantasies about it. I'd dress up. Wear my jeans, and a black button up shirt and a silver tie. No, I'd wear a suit. A nice suit with red sneakers. And a black shirt and a black tie. And I'd spread a sheet on a hill, and watch as it all goes down. down down down. I'd share my caviar and champagne and kiss Dexter as the explosions go off. It would be stellar.

I'm supposed to see S tonight. Don't know if it will happen, though. I want it to. I'd like to see him. Go get a meal with him, then go clubbing. This may be the first day in two weeks that I haven't seen D at all. It's lonely. I miss him. That's really pathetic. One day, and I'm lonely. I really want this to work out. I think it will.

I have to go back to New York next week. I've been ignoring it. I've been trying to figure out exactly what it's going to be like. If it's going to be exactly the same as when I left. Except I'll have D. Not there, but still, I'll know he has me and I have him.

That's enough for me. Knowing that makes a big difference for me.

I told Scott that I would have stayed together with him before. But it's too late. Well, that's what I meant anyway. He doesn't want it either, but I think he might feel something for me. Probably not love, but something. I do love him. Just not like that. It's weird.

I almost erased that. But I won't. Scott has been pretty out-of-sight-out-of-mind the last few weeks. But he pops into my consciousness sometimes. Sometimes nostalgiacally. More often just unsure of what his intentions are. I don't even know if I want to know.

Soon, I will have that picnic. I hope.