Well diary, I'm happy. I had a good day. I don't know why, but I did. School was cool. I had fun in Calc and made fun of Dan Murphy all through Biblical Literature. The class is fun because Dan is such a sarcastic, funny, smart teacher. He's great, I hope he speeks at graduation. Then this afternoon I went with Daniel to go shopping at the thrift stores on Mission St. I got three shirts and a subliminal message tape that I just put in the stereo. Sounds like waves crashing against a beach with wierd string instruments. It says "time-compressed subliminal messages" on the tape. It's called "Stop Sugar Addiction." Come to think of it, I don't really want to eat this candy bar anymore. Hehehe, maybe it's working. You find the best shit at thrift stores on Mission St.

I want to go to Popscene on Thursday. I've been on the prowl for cute guys lately and I figure going to clubs is a great way to meet guys. I feel really shy unless I drink, but I think I'm going to go and not drink and still see if I will dance and hit on hot guys. This cute boy named Chad works there. He's a bar back or something. Just runs around collecting glasses and bringing drinks from the storage room and stuff. He's cute. He's straight of course (will I ever like a gay guy? I wonder). Whatever, look don't touch, that's good enough for me with most guys. I do want to meet someone though. I've been hoping some 17 or 18 year old high school kid will ask me to dance someday, but that's an idle fantasy not reality. I geuss if I want it I'll have to look and work. Whatever. I wish sex wasn't such an all consuming force in my life. The amount I think about it, compared to the amount I actually have relationships or fuck buddies is way out of balance. I geuss that's true for most gay high school kids. I wish it was easier to find a guy that I really like that likes me too. I don't even want sex right now, that wasn't true. I want someone I can go to a cheesy movie with and sit in the back holding hands. I hate the sleazy guys that make out with their girlfriends in theatres, I just want to hold hands.

I told Chris to read my diary today, I kind of regret it. I realized he probably doesn't want to know what I wrote about him or how I feel about him. NO that's not true, I just don't really want him to know. It's wierd, I totally forgot about him in a sexual sense for a long time. All of the sudden he just seems fond. Not like I want to fuck him or anything, he's just a good guy (Chris if you read this, don't get all wierd on me). I don't fucking know. I need some psychotherapy.

It's funny, the strangest people are attractive to me. There's this guy in our gay/straight alliance club at school that is totally cute. I don't know if he's gay or not, I don't even know his name. I just know he's sweet, and each week at our meetings he just seems so much cuter. I don't really know why, he just dresses kind of geeky, and talks in this soft voice and he just gets cuter and cuter. He's not emo geeky, just honestly geeky. I think he plays chess at lunchtime, and there is nothing cuter than seeing a guy really thinking about a chess game. I'm not sure he does, but he should if he doesn't. He's not hot, but cute. I should talk to him, maybe try to figure out his name. It's the effort part that I have a hard time with. It's not even the effort, it's the shyness I need to get over. I wish I was more confident. I ency the guys that can just walk up to someone they like and tell them straight up, or ask them out. That's one of the reasons that I did drugs. When I was fucked up I either didn't care enough to make an effort or I didn't care about possible negative consequences of my actions. When I was fucked up I had a lot more dates. Now I'm clean, and I geuss I need to start practicing. Oh well, I'm not going to cry about it or anything, I just need to work a little harder.

Goal #1: Work a little harder.