The darkroom is a wierd place for me. It's great. I get to be alone all day, listen to my music really loud and make giant color photos of hot guys, as well as a few pictures of a more artistic nature. I love it. I took some pictures of Chad a few weeks ago and I printed a few of them, in one of them he looks so flaming it's great. Other than that, the rest of the pictures I am printing today are long exposures from my trips to Santa Cruz and Santa Barbara. Beautiful pictures, some post-card pics but others are more artistic not just sunsets and beaches and shit. I want to print some photos I took at work of some cute teenagers too. I feel like a voyeur but hey, the pictures are good. Maybe I should start going to psychotherapy. I wonder if I avoid actual interaction with people by voyeuristic attempts to get pictures? I like pictures instead of people. People are so inconsistent, a good picture will always be the same, it doesn't change. Pictures don't shave their heads, grow goatees, dress like morons, say 'like' every other word. They don't fuck you over, sleep with other guys, have crushes on other people. They aren't fucking STRAIGHT. Every cute guy in a picture I take can be a fag, he can be hot, beautiful, sexy, sweet, sarcastic, not ephemeral feelings at transitory moments in relationships with people who hate me ten minutes later. The people in my pictures will always be the same. That's why I like photography. That and the asthetic aspects of the photos themselves, the technical process. The true reason is that I like them more than people most of the time.

I listened to the Dead Boys this morning, and it got me energized to have fun today. I think I actually will go to Popscene tonight and harass Chad. You never know, he might not be totally straight. I alwayys used to say everyone's a fag at heart. I geuss I've never really believed it though. Just hoped for it. I just wish guys wouldn't go back and forth, that frustrates me. But I'm such a hypocrit (how in the world do you spell that word?). I was with a girl off and on for a few years. I never went out with her, but it was more than friends about 4 times a year for the last 3 years. Whatever, it's over now, has been for a while. Thank god, don't want to contribute more to my friend's psychosis. I can be hypocrit, that's what being a boy's all about, isn't it? No it's what being a kid's all about.