Why do I care anymore?

It was true, what he said.

It was so true, but I wanted to say it. And then I wanted to contradict it by doing it. Instead, he just busts out with it, without warning.

I was a little depressed last night, but I feel great today. Went to the shrink this morning. I like talking about myself. I'm such a brat.

Scott IMs me last night, and we talk for a bit. I ask him what he's doing next weekend, if he can hang out. And he just says something along the lines of 'yeah, but I don't want to fuck. I don't want you to act like you did when I first got to New York, where we can't be close friends without fucking.' I'm just sitting reading this thinking all at the same time:

'I don't want to fuck either.'

'I want to fuck really badly.'

'Why'd you have to say it?'

'Why didn't I say it first?'

Not rational, I realize this, but since when are ex-boyfriend situations rational. I've never been able to maintain a real friendship with an ex, and this might be different. Or it might not. I still feel like it's a bit early to tell. See how this month goes. I'm not getting too fucked over it, though I was a bit hurt last night. I put it into perspective this morning. No big deal.

I think I am definitely not going to go to the New Years party at his place. I haven't been invited by anyone in his house, but Laura did, so you know, I could show up without them asking me to. And Scott will invite me, maybe he doesn't even know. But it's all besides the point. I think I'm definitely going to go to Seattle for New Years, see if I can find a good show or something, get the punk rock on. Alone, maybe bring some beer and some music.

I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO GO BACK TO BERKELEY. HOME. Impending doom, but still, I can't wait. Maybe I'm a masochist. I really don't want to die, but I really do want to be dead. (Not to imply I'm gonna off myself. I'm not.)

Last night I wanted to go get a tattoo today. I as going to get Pi tattooed around my wrist. The number, as much of it as will fit in one circle with a ... at the end. But I don't have the money. And I don't know if it's such a good idea to get any more tattoos, especially considering I'm going to stay with my folks for a month, and they sure don't want me to.

Here are the first 11,160 digits of Pi. This fucks up formatting. Likely won't show up in Netscape. Oh well. Pi: 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273 72458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912983367336244065664308602139494639522473719070217986094370277053921717629317675238467481846766940513200056 81271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904 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6002988659257866285612496655235338294287854253404830833070165

Ok. I'm going to do other things. I got an A- in Czech, by the way. That means two As and an A-. I probably got a B in Con. West, but still, pretty damn well exciting. My folks will be happy. I'm happy. Maybe depressed, I don't know.