That night. 4a.m. Sober as fuck, but warm and fuzzy. Hazy. It was special (to me at least). I meant every word I said and every action lasted a lifetime and I was happy in every sense of the word. Every moment mattered. To me. Every breath.

And now I feel like none of these moments matter. They are all prelude to nothing. They are all epilogue to nothing. I'm reading Wonder Boys again because it makes me feel soft.

"And there you have my epitaph, or one of them, because my grave is going to require a monument inscribed on all four sides with rueful mottoes, in small characters, set close together." -Grady Tripp, in Wonder Boys by Michael Chabon

"Let them think what they like, but I didn't mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank - but that's not the same thing." - Joseph Conrad (taken from intro to Wonder Boys)