I've been seeing a guy. It feels weird. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm cheating on Dexter. I'm not. He dumped me. But I still feel guilty about dating someone else, even though I don't owe him anything. But you know, it's tough. This guy is someone that Dexter first pointed out to me. He works across the street at the vegitarian co-op grocery store. Dexter and I both thought he was hot. The other day, I was buying beer and he was training a new employee, and he asked me if I was having a party (I was buying a fair bit of beer). I said, no, not unless you want to come over. He said he'd love to. We've been seeing each other almost every day. I wanted to take it slow, but I decided to make it quicker because I'm so lonely and I feel so unwanted by everyone. And this guy is so fucking nice and sweet and sexy. Dexter doesn't know yet, and I can't decide if I should tell him. I don't know if he would be jealous, happy, or hurt. And I don't want to hurt him. I would break everything off with this new guy, Ari, if Dexter wanted me to get back with him. But I know he doesn't, and it feels good to feel wanted by someone that I want. It's also nice to be dating someone that's older than me; he's 25 years old. He's a man, and that feels good in his arms. But I still miss Dexter, and that's why I told him I needed to take it slow, take my time to figure out what I'm looking for in someone else (Ari). But he's so fucking sweet, and nice and HOT. And I want him. So I slept with him, and it felt great. And I've spent two nights with him. And it felt wonderful. It felt like I was happy for the first time in months. We talk and talk, and he's so open about everything. Dexter was so guarded, unwilling to let his feelings out. I think it was a defensive thing for him, but it's nice to be honest and open about how I'm feeling about myself. He's into rough sex too. S & M. Something I've never really explored. I had my ex punch me once in the face when we were having sex, and I loved it, but I don't know if I'm really into rough sex. Not too rough anyway. I had Ari punch me the other night, and my lip was bleeding while I slept with him, and now I have a cut lip and feels great. I know I'm taking out my self-deprecation in a physical way, and I know what I'm doing to myself. And that feels fine. Maybe a little scary, but I'm honest with Ari, and he's willing to do as much or as little as I want. And that feels great. He's so sweet to me. He basically stopped seeing two other people because he wanted to date me. I feel so wanted and I want him. I don't want it to get fucked up. But I also want to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons, because I like him, not just because I'm lonely. And that's wonderful. But I need to make sure I'm being true.I got fired yesterday. Everyone in my training group did. It wasn't just me. I made it pretty far, but not far enough. I tried my hardest, and that wasn't good enough. I feel like I'm so incapable. My best isn't enough. It's not good enough to get me where I want to go. And so I'm moving back in with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. I want to make money doing photo, but it's so hard. And I have no other job lined up, and I was so proud of the job I was training for. I feel so useless. So not good enough. My best has never been good enough, and now it's staring me in the face. In the form of Kaplan, in the form of Dexter, Scott, Caitlin. She stopped calling me back. I am a 'sponge' as Dexter put it. I take and take emotionally, until there's nothing left. And that's why I have no friends. And he's right. I'm a real bastard. I'm just not good enough.
'I'm not scheming I'm just telling the facts.' ----'If It Ain't Rough' by N.W.A.