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All Or Nothing

[Information]

[02.05.03]-[2:28 p.m.]

So yeah. I didn't die yesterday. I hope you're happy. I still feel like shit, but like a lot less shit than yesterday. I need to eat, and I can't make myself. I need to though. And no, I'm not anorexic. I'm just nemocny (ill, in czech). M told me she loves me. She asked about Dexter, and she sounded genuinely happy when she found out he got the job at the Explo. And moving out, she seemed excited for him. And P was pretty cool. I talked to him about all the drama in the house. It's dramatic. Fucking dramatic. I hate drama. I want a really boring life, WITH NO FUCKING RENT AND NO MEDICAL OR PSYCHOSOCIAL EMERGENCIES GODDAMNIT. This winter has been pretty weird. That's what my dad said. P was a fucking hero the other day. Some dude broke into P + M's house and some neighboors saw the dude so they called the cops, but the folks were asleep downstairs, and my dad heard the dude and got up and tackled him in our dining room. But the dude got up and got out and around the house into the woods behind. The cops couldn't find him. They got there at the same time as my dad tackled the guy. He left a stolen car in our driveway. The police impounded it. It's sort of sad. I think the only thing he actually got (he made one trip up to the car, according to the neighboor) was my old baseball cards. That makes me sad. I feel sorry for the guy. I mean, fuck him for breaking into my house, but it's sort of sad.

My dad is a pretty cool guy when it comes down to it. Like a bunch of years ago, maybe 15, this guy tried to rob him with a baseball bat. They wanted his ring that was his father's before he died, and his wallet. And my dad just said no. They hit him, he held his arm up and he has metal pins in his forearm now where the bone was shattered, but he still had that ring. I mean, I like that. I think I'm the same way. I'd take a beating for a friend. I don't like to fight, but I would. I really don't like to.

But at any rate, back to things a little closer to home (literally). We got this fucking roommate and rents due today and we told him Adam takes all the checks in today, and of course, the dude doesn't show up last night. He didn't sleep here, and the number he left us isn't his number. Either I wrote it down wrong or he's fucking us over. But he left all his stuff here, so I don't know what to think. I just fear the worst. There's nothing to be done right now. I'm hoping someone is home when he gets here. If he doesn't show up tonight, I swear I'm going to lock his shit in my room and change the locks. Motherfucker.

I don't even know if there is a problem. Maybe he got murdered. Maybe he sent his rent check in on his own. But I hate fucking worrying about it.

I feel a lot better right now. I think I might be done puking. I took a xanax, so I'm not shaking as much either. I got to go to class tonight, or I'd take another. I haven't been sleeping well, despite the benzos. This bothers me.

Dexter pot, I love you a lot. Honey pot, I love you a lot.

'Honey pot, I love you a lot. Honey pot, I love you a lot.' ----'Honeypot' (I think it's called) by Beat Happening

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