Strange days I've been having lately. Not to mention strange grammar. (note: There was no verb in that last fragment, so redundency comes naturally to me.) Hehehehe. I'm having fun. I'm listening to the new Weezer album which hasn't been released yet, but I've got the hook-ups. My brother's band played a show with someone who worked in the studio where they recorded, so we got a copy of the album before it's out on the streets. Ha! I feel conceited and powerful and lucky, and maybe even cute. I feel good today. I went to school about 11:30, played some volleyball then had lunch with some kids, and decided I didn't want to go to class. I told my teacher I was leaving, and went to work. One of the physics classes was at the museum today, so I showed a few kids around, and worked all afternoon. It was fun. There wasn't anyone else working in my department that early, so I didn't have anyone to fucking hassle me. Just time to focus on the visitors and teach a few people a few things they wouldn't otherwise learn. It makes me feel so good to have a job where I can actually do something productive. At any rate, I didn't stay too long at work. I'm supposed to work till 10:00 p.m., but I have AP Calculus testing tomorrow too damn early, so I managed to get some people to cover my shift this evening. I cut out early. I'm tempted to go drinking at those guys' house, the two I met at the bar last week. I went there on Monday, and it was fun. I met Phillip's boyfriend, and Michael passed out at about 11:00. It was pretty funny. He got up to go to the bathroom and never returned. We could hear him snoring from his bedroom about ten minutes later. Those guys are going on the AIDS ride to L.A. in a few weeks. I don't understand how the hell they are going to manage that one, considering how much they drink. But I guess they've been training a lot and getting in shape. It's so cool. I'm tempted to bring a bike to New York and start training so I can do it and go from NYC to Boston on that AIDS ride next year. Sounds like such a good time, and good exercise too! I wonder if I'm motivated enough to actually do it. I think I am. We'll see, I suppose.I am so ridiculously self-conscious. I realize this is a bit out of place, but it just occured to me. I worry about things so much. I worry that my friends don't like me. I worry I don't look good. I worry that my fucking fly is down all the time. I analyze every look I get from a stranger. It's so sad, but I don't know how to change it. It's one of the reasons I used heroin for so long. Getting another fix just stopped me thinking. I didn't worry; I could do anything without getting upset (or excited) or self-conscious. I didn't give a fuck if I looked bad. I didn't care if people didn't like me. Now it's such a strong emotion. I pick at my fingers and bite my nails incessantly. My hands are really fucked up from it. I'm tempted to put nail polish remover on my fingers so that I stop, but I'm not sure it would help. And doesn't that stuff cause cancer or something? Quitting smoking isn't helping my insecurity. I've been using less Nicorette, but I still feel psychosis kicking in much more often than I think is normal for an 18 year old kid. It's not normal. I'm not normal, and I'm not sure if that's true or if it's just my paranoia. Too many drugs have done that too me. I can never be sure how much of it is caused by past drug use, and how much of it was there before and I just used drugs to cover it up. Was it cause or effect? It's a little late to worry about which is which, but I just wonder. It's never going to change. I really am one insecure kid. Do you think that knowing it makes me less insecure? I wish.
I don't think I dream enough.
'...you don't need no memory, just a place to call your own as we drift into the cold. On an island in the sun, we'll be playing and having fun. And it makes me feel so fine I can't control my brain. We'll run away togethor. We'll spend some time forever. We'll never feel that anymore.' ----'Island In The Sun' by Weezer