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All Or Nothing

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[01.26.05]-[5:13 p.m.]

Took mushrooms, starting to work, but not so strong yet. Looking forward to serious tripping. Going outside now to love the world. I've been very depressed. I tried suicide for the first time in a long time. I didn't complete it. My saw x-acto wasn't sharp enough. I ran it back and forth along my wrist. Last night, maybe two nights ago, I found a sharp razor. I decided to see if I could do it that way. I didn't want to kill myself, but I wanted to check my plans for fulfillment. I'm getting that feeling in my stomach. I've been scared. I've been worried, but I'm trying to enjoy today. My homework is done. I'm taking physics w/ calculus, linear algebra, solar system, astrophysics, and I got a job tutoring Astro 1 and 14,and next semester I will be able to do 17 and 20. I also found out I do qualify for the grant to run the observatory and planetarium. Four people get hired. Three so far have turned in applications, and three more have picked up applications but not filled 'em out or turned 'em in. I will be #4. I'm so excited.

'Don't back away.' ----can't remember lyrics or track name for track #4 on Babyland's The Finger album.

I am in love with Dexter. I always have been. He doesn't want to be with me/can't be with me. And now he wants to not touch, or sleep together. I love him, and I will miss that greatly. I already miss him. Buck and I broke up, or more to the point, he dumped me. Says he needs therapy before he can date guys, but its really me. He can't be with me, because I do not hide my life for fear of anything, and I'm not understanding enough for people htat aren't out completely, and I needed to understand that that takes time. I love him, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. I'm in love with Dexter, and I will be forever.

I'm not getting happier. That's why suicide seems like a valid option. I wish I was dead. I really do. I'm scared of myself. I've gone crazy many times, but the last year it's stuck, and the last ten years I haven't seen happiness. At what point do I give up? When is that acceptable to me?

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Did you miss these last few, most recent entries?

[State Penitentiary] - [08.27.05] . [8:15 p.m.]
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[just watch him die] - [07.25.05] . [7:00 p.m.]
[Used To Know You] - [07.24.05] . [3:40 p.m.]
[Well I Know I Had It Coming, I Know I Can't Be Free] - [06.26.05] . [2:33 p.m.]

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