I'm going to go beat off. I'm gonna read gay sex stories from nifty.org and whack off till I violently orgasm. As soon as I'm done writing. Is that vile, disgusting, too personal enough for ya? I hope so. It is for me. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth just to say. So fuck you.

So anyway, I was just writing some extremely personal shit. Dexter threatened the other day, when we were fighting, to call the cops and have me arrested for molesting him. It hurt me so fucking bad I can't describe. He basically promised me when we started going out that that would never happen. It was sort of a condition for me, in order to date him. And he said it, because it basically is true, that he is underage. He happens to be sixteen (seventeen tomorrow) and I am twenty. It is an age difference that means nothing to us. But it means everything to Mr. Policeman. He compared me to his father, and I wanted to kill myself. I've never been hurt worse than when he said those words. I nearly cry when I just think about it. I don't often consider suicide as a way out, but I must admit that the action did cross my mind. It more than crossed my mind, it could have happened had I not convinced myself, and been convinced by Dexter that he didn't mean it. Not like I heard it anyway. But it still hurt so fucking much. He threatened to get me arrested, sent to jail, no prison! And I cried. And I cried. And I am not a baby for doing it. I had to address the feeling that I am a freak. A pedo. A fucking child molesting faggot freak praying on the youth adult. But I'm not. Not at all. I'm not even attracted to younger guys, it's just that my boyfriend happens to be three and a half years younger than me. So what??? He's an adult. We are on equal playing fields 99.9999 percent of the time. Sure, I've had a little more life experience than he has. But he's got a bigger cock than I do. SO WHAT. I locked myself in the bathroom, took out my pill bag, and contemplated the differences and likenesses of Dexter's father and myself. We are not the same in any way. Dexter knows that, and the things he said are so untrue. I have never taken advantage of Dexter. Ever. EVER. I have been a good boyfriend. I have been a good person, and I have taken advantage of nothing in this relationship. I have spent six months trying to make him happy, content, confident, and loved. I love him. I am not praying on him, and he knows it. Those words, those thoughts, hurt. They hurt more than getting fucked. Much more than getting slapped upside the head. More than getting punched in the crotch. I am not a freak for loving this man. Fuck anyone who says otherwise, they obviously don't know me or him. God, if I was like his father, or if I was just abusing him, I would kill myself. I care way too much about him to do that to him. I wanted to do it when he said that to me. And it took some convincing to make me not, to make me believe it was all just bullshit in the heat of the argument to get me angry. But he still said it. And it hurt really deep down. I'm having a panic attack right now. I'm out of xanax. But I don't care. Dexter said it's all in my head. Basically said that I was just making it up, that I could just chill out and I wouldn't get all nuts. That hurt too. I have an illness. Both of us are really sick - depressed. I don't know what to do about it.

So now I'm going to masturbate. I hope it is fun. Makes me feel good. Makes me feel something other than stale thoughts and bad history, and lies, calculus lies, derivation/integration, words and numbers that don't add up, make me feel human with something other than pain.

'Rock 'n' roll, know what I'm saying? Everywhere I look there's a devil waiting.' ----'Devil's Haircut' by Beck