Well, I'm back to continue updating. I am in Berkeley right now so that I can go see Modest Mouse tonight in San Francisco. I'm excited to see them. I saw them about five years ago in Seattle and I remember them being really boring and kind of sucking, but I started listening to their albums after that so I'm wondering if either I will like it more now that I know the songs or they got less boring. I don't know though. It's sold out, so I may not get in. But we shall see.

Scotty is rad. He is so fucking awesome. I feel like I fucked up big time by what I did last night. Not so much because I don't think I can handle what I did, but more because I said I wouldn't. I told him I wouldn't, and I guess I lied. I did it anyway. I told him though. A year ago I wouldn't have told anyone. But I learned a fair amount in the last year. Namely: people aren't stupid. Nor are they easily decieved. Nor should I try to decieve them. I'm getting better. I think I am. But Scotty is such a sweetie. I dream of him at night. I wake up in his arms, and I realize it wasn't a dream and I actually do see him in front of me and I get happy. It's wierd, I still get that heart-thumping-excited-can't-wait-to-see-him-talk-to-him-love-him-fuck-him feeling when I know he's going to call and I am trying to make it look like I'm not sitting around waiting for the phone to ring but I still pick up the telephone after one measly ring. I get so excited when I see him for the first time in the day. I worry that he doesn't like me as much as I like him, but I know it's just paranoia. He loves me too. And that's what's so great about it. It's working for the first time in five years for me. And I am so happy he did it to me. So fucking happy it was him.

I don't like people that knowingly lie to me. That's why I hate myself sometimes when I realize I lied to someone. I try to never lie about anything important, or meaningful, or anything at all, really, that matters, but sometimes I look back and know that I fucked up. I am NOT a fuck-up, but Scott's right: I did fuck up. And I won't make excuses. I just won't do it again. And I fucking mean that. I'll have to prove it to a lot of people. I don't expect them to take it on faith, but I really will do it.

I hate dishonest faces, dishonest eyes, mouths, words. It's not so much what is said, but how it's said that is dishonest.

'Somethings on my mind. It's been for quite some time. This time I'm on to you. So where's the other face, the face I heard before? Your head trip's boring me. Let's nuke the bridge we torched two thousand times before. This time we'll blast it all to hell. I've had this burning in my guts now for so long. My belly's aching now to say: stuck down in a rut of dislogic and smut, a side of you well hid.' ----'F.O.D.' by Green Day