I didn't understand.

I don't know what that means. Subconscious. That's what it means. I'm fucking nuts.

I went to doctors today. Saw my GP. I need to change meds. My anti-d's aren't really working anymore. I might start taking downers for anxiety. I don't know though, yet, if I'm willing to tranquilize myself. Doc wants to talk to the shrink about it. I saw him earlier too. Made me feel like shit. Talked about Dexter. Of all people, I sort of expected the shrink to understand. He didn't, not really. I don't know.

I miss Caitlin. And Laura. C is supposed to come to New York on Monday, for school. As hard as I try, I can't make myself truly believe she'll actually make it back. I don't know exactly. Everything's just so fucking hard to predict with the girl. I love her. I miss hanging out with her constantly. I miss being crazy together. We were crazy. Fucking nuts. We both still are. Just usually not together. I get depressed (more depressed) when I see her now. That's sad. It will change if she actually does make it to NYC. And L. I fucking miss her, no restrictions on that. I just fucking miss my wife. I was sort of planning on going to London to visit her in March. But her folks are going that week, so I'll probably go to Berkeley and see Dexter. I'm a little tempted to not tell my folks, stay with friends for a week and kick it with D the whole time. They'd kill me. But I know it would just be a repeat of the last month if I went to stay with them.

Fuck I miss him.

I want methadone. I want to get high on it. I could, tomorrow, holiday weekend, so all the junkies get an extra bottle they'll sell for gear. But I won't. Too much money, too much time, too much risk. I can't do it. I want that happy floaty numbness. I want to forget everything. I wish I had the stamina to get on junk again. But it would be so fucked. I would die. I honestly believe that. I'd OD, or I'd get an abscess. I never got an infection, so it's about time if I ever started again. I can't go back, as much I'd like to be numb.

I just miss him. But I'm not going to fuck that up with gear. It'll just make it worse. Rather just suck it up and miss him.

All that glitters is gold. You aren't dust. You aren't a brick. Everything will be all right. I promise.