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All Or Nothing

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[03.08.04]-[7:23 p.m.]

wow, that last entry was rough. I didn't mean that, I was just upset. Which bothers me, because that is the thing I like least about Dexter, that he says things he doesn't mean when he's upset. He's usually great to me, but when he gets upset or sad, he takes it all out on me. That's what upset me. But I don't want to fall into doing exactly what I hate. I love Dexter, and I will continue to do so. He moved out, and we're both feeling extremely lonely. EXTREMELY. I miss him SO much. I cleaned the house, with my mum. She was a big help. The place went from looking like a shithole to being basically sparkling. Dexter would be really happy with me for it. I think. And he would be happy with the transformation, it makes life so much easier to bear if you are living in a decent environment. I even took some Raid and got rid of the flies that have been a constant embaressment for the last few months. I'm happier. I'm still really depressed, but I'm okay with things right now. I don't want to kill myself, not right now.

I started printing my portfolio. Reprinting old negs is usually boring, nothing new or exciting, but I had a pretty good time. I printed most of them better than I did the first time around, so I felt good. And I nailed some color packs exactly, and that felt good too. They look clean, clear and professional. All the same size, smaller than the usual prints they were dupes of. And they are perfectly color balanced, focused and all the right density. I'm proud of it.

I also started training to be a teacher on Saturday. Sure it's only teaching the SAT's, but it's still going to be teaching. It's also satisfying.

I'm not looking forward to moving back in with my folks, but I can't do anything about it. I'm broke, and they can't afford to keep paying for me. So I have to make some sacrifices. I'm hoping it will work this time around. I'm scared too.

'I'm in love with somone that I can't see. I'm in love with somebody but I can't see. I'm in love without you.' ----'We're All In Love' by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

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Did you miss these last few, most recent entries?

[State Penitentiary] - [08.27.05] . [8:15 p.m.]
[Prison? They'd eat me alive.] - [07.28.05] . [10:49 a.m.]
[just watch him die] - [07.25.05] . [7:00 p.m.]
[Used To Know You] - [07.24.05] . [3:40 p.m.]
[Well I Know I Had It Coming, I Know I Can't Be Free] - [06.26.05] . [2:33 p.m.]


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