No news. Just a lot of fear, loathing, and tiredness. I may have been dumped, but I can't get a straight answer. I don't know what he's going to say, or what's going on. I know I love him and he loves me. But I guess that's not enough. He wants his independence, and he can't get that in the relationship we currently have. I'm too demanding, too needy, too alone. I want constant companionship, and he can't handle it. I want sex, and he has issues. I am scared, but I want him to stay. I'm living with him, and he doesn't really have any other places to go right now. I think he's looking, but I don't know what will happen, and he doesn't know if he can stay with me anyway. It puts me in the unenviable position of just waiting, with nothing to add. And I have to sleep with him without expressing anything sexual, or even particularly emotional. I'm stressed to all hell. I'm tired. I practiced hanging myself. I can tie a good noose. I can hang it so I won't fall, but I haven't killed myself (obviously). I won't do it. Not until I'm sure. And I've promised enough people that there's a lot more I need to do. But enough about that. I'm tired.I made the first round of cuts for a job teaching for Kaplan. I did pretty well on the SAT's so I get to audition teaching at a five-minute teaching session with a bunch of other people on the 22nd. I get to give an interactive presentation on anything. I'm thinking of how to choose a camera as my topic. They prefer something non-academic. Just demonstrate that you can interact with a class, and remain confident and interesting. I don't know.
I hate getting dumped. But I hate not knowing even worse. I've been really depressed. And living with Dexter in this condition isn't easy - for him or me. I need help.
'Keep your head up high.' ----Velvet Underground