Heart is possibly breaking (that's too melodramatic, not breaking, just possibly dissapointing my brain.) So yeah, Max is a lot sharper than I would have hoped (I think I hoped that anyway, though I can't really be sure about my motives in this case). I like him, yeah. He knows I like him. I don't think he likes me, at least like that. Story of my life. Erich, Max, Chris, Nick (all three of them), Alex (who doesn't like me in any way shape or form), Shannon, all those other motherfuckers who I can't name because I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. I think I'm down. I wanted to do drugs tonight. Everything fell apart in one evening. Max is nice. I don't really know for sure what he thinks, but I think. I think he likely would have told me if it was a positive response, an affirmation. I am assuming by the lack of that affirmation, that it is not positive. My reflex could be just a pessimistic response, but as I said yesterday (?) fatalism makes everything better than my expectations. I'm still writing about things that I probably don't want anyone to read. But I'm too fucking tired to care. I decided today that I swear too much when I write. I was putting black tape over the swear words in the diary entry that I'm displaying on top of one of my photos for the art show, and I realized that on one 20 x 24in. print I swore like 8 times. Usually some form of the word fuck. So fuck off. I don't give a fuck right now. I have no motivation for anything right now. That's not true. If I make it through the day tomorrow without smoking or shooting dope I will be very happy. That is my expectation and my promise to myself. This is rambling. I'm fucked. AHHHHHHHHHHHH (scream). I want to go away. I want to go to Portland this weekend. Just get in the car and take a sleeping bag and go. Get away from everything. This is getting nihilistic. This is sad. I cant believe one non-response can have this much of an emotional effect on me. I guess this only reaffirms my thoughts about the situation. Yes, my self-analysis seems to have been right on the money, whereas my observations of the rest of the fucking world wasn't even in the same realm. Typical.

'I thought about it and my dream was broken. I clutch at images like dying breath. And I don't want to make a fuss about it. The only certain thing in life is death. Take a look at my new toy. It'll blow your head in two, oh boy, Truth hits everybody. Truth hits everyone.' ----'Truth Hits Everybody' by The Police