No more waiting. He is mine and I am his. That makes me happy. I think I was sorta flipping out over nothing. Not nothing, but I was assuming the worst, and he wasn't thinking the worst. So everything is gravy with Scotty, and nothing could make me happier. I am going back home tomorrow for a few things. Frank turns 21 tomorrow. My brother plays a show at a club and I said I would go. My family is having dinner at a nice resteraunt and I said I would bring my boyfriend. I am damn excited about life. Now if only I didn't feel so lethargic. I feel extremely lazy. I want to start sleeping better. I am feeling extremely disconnected. I can't stay on topic, and it has nothing to do with anything but the fact that I have no focus right now. I turned in more applications today. No one calls me back though. It is sort of sad. I don't really understand why they all don't come knocking down my door offering me huge salaries to do interesting work at great hours. I mean, I'm perfect, why can't they acknowledge that. Just joshin'. I am smiling again. I was really worked up over Scotty for a while, but I know he means it when he says he loves me, and I know I mean it too. And that's all that matters sometimes.Things work out in the end. It is really hard to remember that at times.
But I feel detatched. Job hunting blows. I would feel much better if I wasn't selling out my future for someone else's conception of what I should be and what I should hide and what I should show and talk about and love and hate and fucking break. I feel so far from breaking right now, and it feels good. This probably doesn't make much sense, but it does to me. And although I am in a scary place, I am ready to take on the world one day at a time. I just have to keep waking up in the morning (preferably with Scotty next to me in my arms.)
'Caught in the act. You were taking your time. You said everything's fine. You said nothing would change. Selling out your future.' ----'Selling Out Your Future' by The Selecter (I think it's called that, anyway.)