Well, hello diary. Today I fucked up. Yesterday I went to work, and afterwards I went to Punk Soccer. Chris sets it up for the last Sunday of the month in Golden Gate Park in the City. I showed up late, and actually missed the soccer part, but there was this kid who came. He lives in Alameda, and he is shy, quiet, and mostly easily ignored. He was somewhat attractive but I barely noticed him. I didn't pay any attention to him, and he didn't notice me. Today I was talking to Chris, and he mentioned that he thought this kid was cute. He was, but I didn't notice. I like Chris. We went out briefly a few years ago, but he dumped my ass for some combination of reasons including the fact that he is mostly straight, didn't really like me like that, and was too busy and too young for me. We stayed friends (I wish we were better friends). Just because he didn't like me doesn't mean it was mutual. I've had a crush on him for a long time now, but I try to keep it to myself. Anyway, when he said he thought this guy was hot, I agreed, although, truth to tell, I didn't even notice him. I ended up asking Chris to set me up with him. I knew Chris liked him and I didn't, but for some reason I wanted to show Chris, maybe get back at him for liking another guy and not me. I don't know. Consciously I love Chris, and would never want to hurt him. But I did it anyway. I feel like a complete prick. I knew exactly what I was doing, I just didn't know why. I don't know this shy boy, I only know Chris. I wish I really did like him and not Chris. It would make my life a lot less stressful, a lot less disconcerting. I like Chris, as a friend and I wish more, but I keep doing shit I know will hurt him. I wish I could turn attraction off at will, but I geuss we're all plagued with this humanity. It's not too bad, it's not like I a depressive. There's nothing like having feelings returned by the object of those feelings. Even hate, there's something fucking invigorating about having mutual hatred with someone. I wouldn't really know about mutual love. Every relationship I've had has been completely fucked up and one-sided. I'm always in love with a boy that's straight, or a boy that just doesn't like me, or a boy that's too young. Either that, or they love me and I'm completely fucking indifferent. I don't know if everyone feels like this about their relationships but it's been this way for all of mine. I get like this when I haven't been with someone for a while. I don't know. When I'm in it, there are beautiful moments when I only want to be with him, but when I get too far removed from these moments I gloss over them and forget they ever exist. I wish I could be comfortable with myself. I see people that at least look like they don't care what people think of them, but I can't walk down the street without second geussing complete stranger's reactions to me. For example, I'll drive down the street and pass by a bunch of kids like me so I put on a song that's 'cool' and blast it as I go by. It's fucked up. What do I think when a car passes me playing loud obnoxious punk rock? Nothing, I don't even notice, so why the fuck do I even try. But although I know it's stupid, I do it anyway just in the hopes that someone will say, "I love that song, who is that kid?" I wish I wasn't always looking to impress people, because I geuss that's what it is. I don't act like that around my good friends, or even around most girls, just teenage boys. Makes me think it's some fucked up sexual complex. Who knows, not worth dwelling on. Just put on a Bombshell Rocks album and smile cause it's Spring. That's all that's worth doing right now, because that's what makes me happy.