I decided I don't want to be friends with Douglas. I live with him, and that is hard to do. He makes me depressed every time I talk to him. So I will not talk to him anymore. The sad part is, I know he won't notice or care. I don't know if I even want him to, but I find myself putting up walls when he's around, and I think that's just fine. I just don't want to be an asshole. I want to protect myself though, and that is what I am trying to do.

I wanted to only write a sentence or two. Things have changed.

I had a great day today. Work was fun. I got really scared and almost told my boss when I am leaving, but I didn't. I meant to write my letter giving notice of two months, but I didn't. I can't print right now on my computer from any word processing, so I need to do it at Scott's, and he has a paper, so I can't go up there and usurp the computer. I need to give him some space too, if I want this relationship to work. It's hard to do. For me, especially. I am very clingy. I learn that every day. It didn't used to be a problem, but I believe it may be becoming one.

My ability to write clearly, obviously, is dying. I am very, very tired. The last few days have worn me out. Emotionally, I am like that big machine that chooses the Lotto numbers. My emotions are jumbling around like the balls, and every so often one pops up at random to be chosen through the slew of possible feelings and thrown into my brain and body and (I fucking hate this word) soul.

I processed black and white film into negs today, for the first time in years. It probably has been two years or so since I processed my own film or did any black and white. It was awefully validating to open up the container and see exposed film that I shot last night. Low speed film really rocks. It's so smooth. I was shooting Pan-F 50. Tomorrow I am going to shoot APX 25 and make it just that much slower and smoother. It's exciting. Hal, the processer at the darkroom, is sick and dying, so I can only do black and white by hand. The color has to wait for Hal to get better. So I'm experimenting. Change is good, sometimes. In photo and in life. Experimentation, is not always good, but it can be. And I will try anything once. Well, most anything. I would not eat fried lizard brains. Well, yes I would, but there are experiments I will not undertake. I think that is reasonable. So, most things at least once. That's good.

'If we don't change it no one ever will. And all the friends we knew so well. And now there's no one left to tell. We'll come to grips and make our stand. We'll make this place a better land. That's the way. That's the way. And if we don't change it no one ever will' -----'That's The Way' by The Crack