I wrote about YURTS
Now I want to write about something new.
I don't want to be one of those boring fucks that only writes about his love life. So now for something completely different. (Read about the yurt. I been thinking tons about that. Dreaming. Pleasant dreams. Of my commie yurt.)
Caitlin is supposed to come to NYC tomorrow for the next semester. I doubt, still, that she will actually come. I don't know why this lingering paranoia that something will go horribly wrong in her life keeps persisting. It might have something to do with the fact that she never calls me back. But I don't honestly know. Maybe she hates me. That wouldn't really suprise me too much. I probably deserve it, all things considered. I'd still care about her, love her, want her to be stellar, even if she does hate me. I won't turn that shit off like a switch. She doesn't hate me though. She's just going through some tough times. And I worry about her. I just want her to be happy. And I want her to be clean. want her to be happy being clean. That's one of the hardest things anyone's ever asked of me. I've only rarely been able to do it. Insomnia makes it difficult for me. I didn't sleep last night. All the talk about dreams, but they were all waking dreams. They were the best dreams I've had (ever, I think).
At any rate, I want Caitlin to be okay. I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy, but even when I try, I feel like I fail. I took her out to dinner for her birthday a few weeks ago. I had a really good time and I think she did too. Hard to tell for sure with her, but I think she did. (I hope she did, it cost me a fucking fortune.)
I need to decide whether I should go to London to visit Laura in March or go back to Berkeley and see the folks and Dexter. Hard decision. I've been planning on going to London for ages. But fuck do I miss D. I'm sort of used to Laura being far away, this I'm not used to. Hopefully I'll figure out some way to get D out here before then. But I don't know for sure that I'll be able to get the cash. I'm going to start looking for work, basically purely to pay for him to come visit me. Very little could make me happier than seeing him.
So I should go to London to see the wife in March, but I sort of want to go home and see the boyfriend. Need to set my priorities. I hate that. I regard them both equally at this point. I've loved the wife for a long time now, but the boyfriend is intense, passionate, amazing. How am I supposed to choose one over the other? Whoever I don't go see might feel abandoned. I don't want to do that to either. But I've been planning on going to London for a long time now. I should really do it. I had those plans before I knew D. FUCK.
My diary is so fucking literal. So fucking linear. I hate that. I wish I could write autobiographical narrative lit. But it just ends up stream of conscious, linear bullshit, same way I'd speak it if I were to.
Enough. My brain hurts. I liked what I dreamt about yurts
'You say your life will be the death of you.' ----'Eighties Fan' by Camera Obscura