So fuck, I was just told how horrible a person I am. How fucking awfully I treat people. I lead them on, and unload on people and make them impossible to be friends with afterwards. Yes, I told Ari I couldn't see him anymore. And he totally went off on me. And the worst part is, everything he said was true. Well, in a certain light anyway. I feel like shit. I know I didn't do everything right. But I did what I thought was right at the moment. I couldn't predict that it would turn out this way, in any part of my life. But apparently I should have been able to see it. I really fucking hate myself right now. I was so excited by Ari. So exploratory. And now he'll probably never talk to me again. I'm embaressed. I'm in trouble with myself. I tried to talk to Dexter about it, but I think we both knew it was co-dependancy, which I'd just been told I behave with. I fucking hate myself, and I'm too fucking hateful I can't tell anyone, because that would just further what I know is true. I'm so fucking tired. I am going to go now. I hope no one reads this. I'll be fine, I guess. But I wish I didn't care. I was expecting this. He told me before that if I stopped being physical with him, he wouldn't be friends with me. And I knew that I had intended and made obvious that I was interested in him. But I didn't know, but told him anyway, was if Dexter and I got more serious, I wouldn't be able to with Ari anymore. I told him that from the beginning. But it didn't matter anymore. I just fucked him over, like I do everyone I try to get close to. Fuck. I want things to be different. I want to be different. I want to die.