We were taking BART the other day, and we heard that the station we were going to was closed 'because of an accident with a passenger and a train.' When we were done at the video shop we went to that station anyway. They were hosing off the platform, 'cleaning him up' as one of the many police officers said of the guy who jumped in front of the train to try and kill himself, unsuccessfully. It made me feel weird. I was so close to suicide before, and I'm not so far now, but I don't think about it constantly anymore. I don't plan it out. But I was stared in the face by it. I know if I did it, I would succeed, and I wouldn't fuck up anyone else's day like the bastard on Bart did by getting the station closed. I'd keep it to myself. Maybe run away or make it look like an accident. It would hurt the people who love me, but I am willing anyway. But I won't do it yet. I don't want to. Not yet.

I have so much going on in my life right now. I'm so excited about my love life, and about making new friends, new schools, new jobs, working it out. Making new friends, it's something I've never done. I'm trying harder than I ever have before. And it's paying off. I have so much fun. Life is finally paying off, despite the setbacks (losing my job, getting dumped for a while, juggling boys, medical problems... etc.)

I found out today that I have Michael Jackson syndrome. I have had these white spots on my body, and recently they have appeared on my hands, so I finally asked my doctor about them. He said it is hypopigmentation. The pigment is gone from these spots, hence the white skin and hair. It's not contagious, or painful or harmful. It will probably go away, but it might not. I might end up like Michael Jackson. White skin, pale, scary. I don't want to be like that. Hopefully it will go away.

I'm having fun. I'm in love, and it's reciprocated. I haven't been sleeping. Insomnia is getting the best of me. I'm on so much medication, I'm hesitant to add more, but I have started taking Trazadone again, like I did the last time I had really bad insomnia. It helps a lot. I've lowered the Valium dose I take twice daily. Not on purpose, but the bottle I had of my 2mg pills got covered in soda, and the pills disintigrated. I'm just left with the 10mgs so I'm down a little bit on my dose. And that's not helping me sleep. Whatever. I'll get better some day.

I love you.