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All Or Nothing

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[12.23.02]-[12:30 p.m.]

Yeah, so I wish I had more to say here. I'm feeling quite a lot better than I was before. Don't have any reason why. It was strange seeing Scott yesterday. It seemed almost as if it was back to good-old-times. But it wasn't. I felt pretty uncomfortable a lot of the time. Helped a lot that Dexter was there. I really like Dexter. Union Square makes me fucking bonkers, but it wasn't THAT bad. Sure, it wasn't great, I wanted a xanax or six. But I only felt like hiding in the crowds. I don't get like that in New York. Only in the Bay Area. Maybe it's because I don't know anyone in NYC. Here, walking around with Dexter and Scott, carrying on all the old conversations Scott and I used to have, I felt like the people were surrounding me, closing me in. I was fine until we got to Union Square. It was nice to see him. It was grand meeting Dexter. At least, I thought so. He might say otherwise. But there's not much I can do about that. Really.

Don't have any plans today. Maybe go track Caitlin down today. Or Francis. It's weird to be here. Especially with Scott. I wish I felt more about it. I just feel really apathetic about everything. I don't care right now. Which is strange because I cared so much just two days ago. I cared so much two months ago. And now that I'm here in a position where I could work things out, I just don't give a fuck. Act normal. Put on a happy face. All that bullshit. But not because I want to impress anyone. Just because it's easier than telling the truth. Especially when I don't know what the truth is.

Is that esoteric enough for you?

'When I walked across this corner, pinned my eyes to his shirt because I'm scared of being seen. Locked myself in a stall, rest my head against the wall.' ----'Rest My Head Against The Wall' by Heatmiser

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